10 reasons to absolutely NOT adopt a greyhound
So you think you’ve got what it takes to adopt a long dog, huh? Think again. There are so many reasons to not adopt a greyhound — and we’re here to give you the full list before you make what could be the BIGGEST MISTAKE OF YOUR LIFE (you’re welcome)
You really want a guard dog
Greyhounds may be big dogs but they’re notoriously gentle and sensitive. If you are looking for an intimidating dog you will not find one here. They are far more likely to greet an unwelcome guest with a wagging tail and a lick on the hand than anything. And if said ‘guest’ happens to pop in with a piece of toast in their pocket? You’re screwed.
You aren't prepared to share your couch (or bed)
Within approximately -0.2 seconds of arriving at your home, a greyhound will instinctively seek out any couch using their special couch-seeking-sensors that are unique to the breed. This incredible ability helps them to identify any couch within 20 kilometres. It is pointless resisting. The best thing for it is to relent and accept the fact that you are no longer the master of your domain. Think one couch is enough? Hilarious. No, every single couch in your house will become their couch.
It’s also important to note that this also applies to beds. Deal with it.
You don't like the idea of cuddling a sack of elbows
Oh, you want a big dog for squishy, fluffy cuddles? GET OUT OF HERE. Why would anyone want that? If you have any sense you would know that there’s nothing better than getting your snuggle on with a fleshy bag of the pointiest elbows. Just when you think you’ve found a comfortable-enough way to occupy a small space with a sack of triangles in the shape of a dog, they’ll suddenly kick one of their 87-jointed limbs out in an epic, urgent stretch and take out one of your eyes. If for some reason this does not appeal to you, a greyhound is probably not the right dog for you.
You value your personal space
Personal space is overrated, and the minute you bring a longdog into your heart and home it will be non-existant. Get used to it. Going to the toilet for a bit of ‘me’ time? Scrap that. ‘Me’ time is now ‘we’ time and no matter how small the space around your porcelain throne might be, your greyhound will find a way to contort their body into said room and stand there awkwardly until you stop being selfish. Sitting down for a nice dinner with your family? Prepare to have holes burned into each of your faces by a slenderman standing just far enough away as to technically be ‘a polite distance’ while also managing to be thoroughly intimidating. Time for that nice, relaxing bath you’ve been hanging for after a stressful week at work? Thankfully, bath companies understand the importance of ensuring their products are greyhound-friendly, and so you’ll find they’re exactly the right hight for a dog to stand over you the entire time, staring at you and whining softly.
You have a low tolerance for melodrama
If you haven’t heard of the Greyhound Scream Of Death™ yet you’re in for a treat. This delightful phenomenon, known in longboy circles as GSOD, is a sound emitted by greyhounds that will pierce your soul and ignite a panic response so deep… so primal, that it is not unusual to find your body responding with its own scream, a purely instinctual response. GSODs usually result from devastating interactions such as having a vet gently touch literally any part of their anatomy (or simply moving towards them); an injury so minor that any other dog wouldn’t even notice it; their bodies touching something that they weren’t expecting to touch (think: leaf falling from a tree), or other unexpected interactions such as a wayward piece of string touching one of their toes. It will take approximately 42 screams for you to become desensitised to this ‘song of the long’ and you will need to be ready to explain this to panicked onlookers who may (understandably) rush to the assistance of your dog, assuming they are in their death throes when in fact they have just brushed against a twig and got a little fright.
You want an ‘outside dog’
Greyhounds … and I can not stress this enough …. are NOT OUTSIDE DOGS. These skinny eel-like creatures have comparatively lower body fat than other breeds, making them highly susceptible to changes in weather. Their optimum temperature is between 18-20°C (64-68°F) and this should be maintained at all times otherwise they may turn into pumpkins.
You want a marathon partner
How do you know someone’s going to run a marathon? Don’t worry, they’ll tell you.
Yes, I’m looking at you, long-distance-runner-types. Before you start bragging about this awful activity that makes no sense whatsoever when you could easily spend all that time doing something fun like eating donuts, I have two words for you: ‘code brown’.
^^This is how greyhounds feel about endurance activities. They are built for sprints, not for distance so don’t expect much more than a casual walk, some fun drives and coffee dates, visits to friends and family, and plays at the park.
You are not a big fan of feelings
Big dogs, big feelings. Greyhounds are sensitive as HELL. They feel a lot of feelings a lot of the time. Often they’ll start out quiet but it won’t take long before they trust you enough to let you into the vast chasm of their complicated and intense emotions. Be mindful that counselling will be part of the essential care you will need to offer your new lengthy hound. Feed their tummies, feed their souls. Lots of gentle talking and reassurance and listening when they talk to you, and allowing them to put their head on your lap and tap you with their paw if they need a little bit of attention is essential to the psychological health of a greyhound.
You prefer to eat alone
In addition to their unique ability to sense couches from suburbs away, greyhounds also have an uncanny knack of hearing the sound of a chip packet opening or a toaster popping from just about anywhere on earth. It’s helpful trick if you need to locate your hound, because you can be assured the second you open the treat packet they’ll be with you in less than a second. But it also means that there is likely to be an eerie dog-shaped shadow hovering in your vicinity any time you sit down for a meal. There may be a lot of heavy breathing, and there is almost guaranteed to be a perfected expression of despair and vulnerability (pictured) that is irresistable to the inferior human brain.
You aren't willing to share your life with our dog
Yes greyhounds are big and yes they’ll gladly take up a fair amount of room in your car, and even though they’re often pretty lazy they also love the absolute heck out of their humans and get sad if they’re left on their own for too long (just like any dog!) Greyhounds aren’t just for visiting the park or going for walks, they’re for going out for lunch and coffee, visiting friends and family, picnics, camping, beach visits, adventures, going to work…. any way you can help integrate them into your life will help expose them to different experiences and develop a confident, socialised dog that is mentally and physically enriched… and that makes for a happy hound and human.
So, how’d you go? If you got through this list and you’re still like YEP A LONG DOG IS MY KINDA DOG then congratulations, you have superior taste. If you’re still not sure if a greyhound is the right dog for you though (not sure how, this guide is pretty accurate/comprehensive) then talk to your local rescue group. Keep in mind that fostering is often an option too, if you’re not in a position to permanently adopt.